Advice to New Fathers - How to Change a Nappy

So that your own new baby does not start to think of you as an idiot too early, take some advice on how to change a nappy from a five month old.

Forget everything you have been told.
Relax, even if it is your first time.
This is easy. Here is some language you should understand.

Changing Nappies is like a pit-stop in a Formula 1 race.

Have a clean pit ready
Have all the tools and equipment that you need
Practice in your mind what you are going to do and the sequence of doing it.
Get the vehicle in and out as quickly as possible!
Time matters. Do it smooth, do it quick.

Have a changing area ready.
Have a clean nappy, wipes and cream ready and open (No. really. have the nappy and cream open and the wipes taken out and ready.
Okay the vehicle is now about to arrive in the pit.

Start the clock.

Get baby on its back in front of you.
Without hesitation got straight in and get the multiple layers of clothing unclasped and off (you only need to access the bottom idiot, if you take my top off, I am going to start getting niggly. Just my bottom. Niggly means I move and make noise. Ever try and take the tyres off a car that is bucking?)

Get the old nappy open, but leave under the baby for now (otherwise you get shit on the blanket)
Don't flinch, don't hesitate.
Gently lift you baby's bum off the nappy by holding its ankles in one hand and lifting up.
Gently you moron! - no wonder your kid screams when you come near.
If there is poop there start wiping
Wipe. Wipe and wipe again.
Get all the crap off.

Still holding the ankles so that the bum hovers off the old nappy, slip the dirty nappy out and to one side.
You can sort it out later.
Now slip the clean nappy in under the baby.
Give one last wipe before lowering the bum into the clean nappy.
(Make sure that you get all the cracks and creases and multiple folds clean.)

Lather in cream, smother in nappy ointment.
Smother on more cream.

Your baby will use this nappy-less opportunity to pee (or worse)
That is just how we are wired.
So get the cream on and the nappy closed ASAP.
The clock is ticking.

Wrestle the straps of the nappy closed, by which stage your kid will be wriggling like a wet kitten trying to escape from a bag.
Get the nappy closed, clothes on, job done.

Put all the shit covered wipes into the dirty nappy and then close it so that all the shitty parts are on the inside.
Dump this.

Get the car back on the track.
Check your time.

Easy.