Seriously though, this is pretty weird in anybodies book.
The male parental (MP), looking wrinkled and well past his 44 years, has started acting really, really strangely.
I am not sure if I can swap him, but will raise it next moms and tots meeting.
One of the kids there thought he had heard of a case where a kid managed to do a straight swap.
I have a VERY SPECIAL cream for my bum.
It is my VERY SPECIAL bum cream.
I caught him this morning after he had shaved an showered, rubbing it all over his face.
The (MP) has started putting this on his face.
Let's be clear about this.
He is rubbing bum cream onto his face.
My bum cream.
I have no more to say at present.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Ten Points for Barfing on the Male Parental
Ten points.
Managed to barf on the male parental (mp)
Range: 7/10
Volume: 9/10
Gross Factor 5/10 (only sour milk)
Score update:
MP: Nil
The Thunderbolt Kids 3,789,456,321
Managed to barf on the male parental (mp)
Range: 7/10
Volume: 9/10
Gross Factor 5/10 (only sour milk)
Score update:
MP: Nil
The Thunderbolt Kids 3,789,456,321
Monday, August 27, 2012
Teething I think.
Teething.
I think.
Niggly, sore, irritable.
Difficult to sleep.
Difficult to get comfortable.
Had to kick the Male Parental (MP) out of his bed at 3am.
He hadn't got to sleep yet because I was niggly, but he was of no help of use to me at all.
He went to sleep in the lounge.
On a couch.
Under a sleeping bag.
The zipper kept scratching his neck and keeping him awake.
I slept in bed with the FP getting cuddled and patted.
It helped a bit.
The MP was very irritating when he was up at 6am showering, getting the siblings dressed and ready for school in the dark.
He woke me up a few times.
I think.
Niggly, sore, irritable.
Difficult to sleep.
Difficult to get comfortable.
Had to kick the Male Parental (MP) out of his bed at 3am.
He hadn't got to sleep yet because I was niggly, but he was of no help of use to me at all.
He went to sleep in the lounge.
On a couch.
Under a sleeping bag.
The zipper kept scratching his neck and keeping him awake.
I slept in bed with the FP getting cuddled and patted.
It helped a bit.
The MP was very irritating when he was up at 6am showering, getting the siblings dressed and ready for school in the dark.
He woke me up a few times.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Kryptonite
The male parental (MP) is a lying, cheating bastard.
When I have had enough of my lunch, which by the way is a sodden, bland and blended mix of broccoli, butternut and half a percent of chicken (whoopee), - the bastard cheats me.
I close my lips and blow out to let him know that I am done.
To let him know that I am full and cannot bear another mouthful.
And what does he do.
He punches way below the belt.
..... He brings out dumdum.
He knows how much I love dumdum.
I am addicted to dumdum.
So he pretends to slowly lower dumdum into my mouth, and at the very last moment, when my mouth is at its widest to receive my special addiction, he whips dumdum away and forces another spoonful of gloop into my mouth.
I am powerless against this ploy.
He catches me every time.
My love of dumdum is too strong.
Dumdum is my Kryptonite.
I can't believe the bastard would stoop so low.
My lunches have become never ending tasteless torture.
One day.............
One day when I am old enough to reach his vinyl collection.....
His beloved Beatles LP........
That crisp, snappable, grooved vinyl.......
One day......
When I have had enough of my lunch, which by the way is a sodden, bland and blended mix of broccoli, butternut and half a percent of chicken (whoopee), - the bastard cheats me.
I close my lips and blow out to let him know that I am done.
To let him know that I am full and cannot bear another mouthful.
And what does he do.
He punches way below the belt.
..... He brings out dumdum.
He knows how much I love dumdum.
I am addicted to dumdum.
So he pretends to slowly lower dumdum into my mouth, and at the very last moment, when my mouth is at its widest to receive my special addiction, he whips dumdum away and forces another spoonful of gloop into my mouth.
I am powerless against this ploy.
He catches me every time.
My love of dumdum is too strong.
Dumdum is my Kryptonite.
I can't believe the bastard would stoop so low.
My lunches have become never ending tasteless torture.
One day.............
One day when I am old enough to reach his vinyl collection.....
His beloved Beatles LP........
That crisp, snappable, grooved vinyl.......
One day......
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
How to Train Your Parents - Lesson #3
Its no use re-inventing the wheel, so here are seven standard techniques for training your parents at feeding time.
Feeding time is stressful for all parents.
You can make it more stressful by using any one of the following simple and proven techniques.
Technique 1 - The Lips
This is where you keep your lips pursed tightly every time the spoon gets close.
A very simple technique, but very effective.
You can part them slightly when the spoon is a safe distance.
In fact this even desirable as it fools them and raises their expectations into coming in for another spoonful.
Pursed lips work fantastically.
Lips are like rubber and with your toothless gums closed as back-up, nothing gets in.
They may as well paint the food all over your chin and cheeks.
In fact, sometimes to show that they have made an effort, they will.
Technique 2 - The Tongue
This is an adaptation and refinement of the "The Lips"
This time you let some food go into your mouth.
They think they have been successful getting past your lips and gums.
This will be very exciting for them.
All that you have done though, is form a third barrier with your tongue.
As soon as they move away, you push everything back out with your tongue.
It can break them pretty quickly.
Technique 3 - The Delayed Dribble
This is a refinement of The Tongue.
This time you keep the food in you mouth for longer though.
Long enough for them to be sure that it is swallowed.
They will sigh deeply and contentedly.
As they look away, foolishly satisfied, dribble it out.
All over your chin.
Technique 4 - The Turbo Blast
This one is always fun.
It works best in the morning when your parentals are dressed for work and under pressure to leave.
As the spoon goes into you mouth explode a lungful of air out at turbo speed.
This will create a miniature, but powerful explosion, covering everything within two meters in a sticky layer of second hand baby food.
Work clothes are usually ruined and necessitate a change.
Patience will be tested.
Technique 5 - The Epileptic Fit
Move wildly away from the spoon.
Pretend it contains melted lava.
Keep moving wildly away from the spoon.
Buck and twist and freak out.
Have a fit. Pretend it is red hot poker.
Explode your arms and legs out as well.
Sometimes you will be lucky enough to catch the spoon and splatter food all over the place.
Don't worry, even though they will really, really want to strangle you - they can't. Its illegal. You are as safe as house.
Technique 6 - The Distraction
This is to teach them never to give you anything as a distraction when you are feeding.
They normally give you a plastic spoon, or cup or a plastic toy.
This is meant to distract you into eating and swallowing.
You will not fall for this.
When the spoon is far away, open your mouth wide and put whatever they have given you into your mouth. Eating and chewing on it like there is no tomorrow.
Their spirits will soar. They will think they have solved everything.
As soon as the food comes close though, move into The Lips Technique # 1.
They will retreat, slightly bemused, this is when you go back to open mouth mode.
Tease them. Break them.
Then as soon as they come in, switch back to The Lips.
You can also use whatever they have given you to swat and swipe and slash and hit at the spoon of food.
This is also good for a few points.
Technique 7 - The Squirrel
Lastly, when you tire and want it all to end, allow them to have the satisfaction of getting half a dozen spoonfuls of food in.
Take it all in.
And store it.
Store it wherever you like - in your cheeks, under your tongue, wherever you can.
With practice you can even store some down your throat and bring it back up again.
Then, As they finish and are sighing with relief.
As soon as they have stopped sobbing and their tears have dried.
Let them take off your bib and wipe the table.
Let them unbuckle you from your chair.
And then. At that perfect moment.
Spit out everything you have stored.
Remember.
You are protected by law.
They are not.
Feeding time is stressful for all parents.
You can make it more stressful by using any one of the following simple and proven techniques.
Technique 1 - The Lips
This is where you keep your lips pursed tightly every time the spoon gets close.
A very simple technique, but very effective.
You can part them slightly when the spoon is a safe distance.
In fact this even desirable as it fools them and raises their expectations into coming in for another spoonful.
Pursed lips work fantastically.
Lips are like rubber and with your toothless gums closed as back-up, nothing gets in.
They may as well paint the food all over your chin and cheeks.
In fact, sometimes to show that they have made an effort, they will.
Technique 2 - The Tongue
This is an adaptation and refinement of the "The Lips"
This time you let some food go into your mouth.
They think they have been successful getting past your lips and gums.
This will be very exciting for them.
All that you have done though, is form a third barrier with your tongue.
As soon as they move away, you push everything back out with your tongue.
It can break them pretty quickly.
Technique 3 - The Delayed Dribble
This is a refinement of The Tongue.
This time you keep the food in you mouth for longer though.
Long enough for them to be sure that it is swallowed.
They will sigh deeply and contentedly.
As they look away, foolishly satisfied, dribble it out.
All over your chin.
Technique 4 - The Turbo Blast
This one is always fun.
It works best in the morning when your parentals are dressed for work and under pressure to leave.
As the spoon goes into you mouth explode a lungful of air out at turbo speed.
This will create a miniature, but powerful explosion, covering everything within two meters in a sticky layer of second hand baby food.
Work clothes are usually ruined and necessitate a change.
Patience will be tested.
Technique 5 - The Epileptic Fit
Move wildly away from the spoon.
Pretend it contains melted lava.
Keep moving wildly away from the spoon.
Buck and twist and freak out.
Have a fit. Pretend it is red hot poker.
Explode your arms and legs out as well.
Sometimes you will be lucky enough to catch the spoon and splatter food all over the place.
Don't worry, even though they will really, really want to strangle you - they can't. Its illegal. You are as safe as house.
Technique 6 - The Distraction
This is to teach them never to give you anything as a distraction when you are feeding.
They normally give you a plastic spoon, or cup or a plastic toy.
This is meant to distract you into eating and swallowing.
You will not fall for this.
When the spoon is far away, open your mouth wide and put whatever they have given you into your mouth. Eating and chewing on it like there is no tomorrow.
Their spirits will soar. They will think they have solved everything.
As soon as the food comes close though, move into The Lips Technique # 1.
They will retreat, slightly bemused, this is when you go back to open mouth mode.
Tease them. Break them.
Then as soon as they come in, switch back to The Lips.
You can also use whatever they have given you to swat and swipe and slash and hit at the spoon of food.
This is also good for a few points.
Technique 7 - The Squirrel
Lastly, when you tire and want it all to end, allow them to have the satisfaction of getting half a dozen spoonfuls of food in.
Take it all in.
And store it.
Store it wherever you like - in your cheeks, under your tongue, wherever you can.
With practice you can even store some down your throat and bring it back up again.
Then, As they finish and are sighing with relief.
As soon as they have stopped sobbing and their tears have dried.
Let them take off your bib and wipe the table.
Let them unbuckle you from your chair.
And then. At that perfect moment.
Spit out everything you have stored.
Remember.
You are protected by law.
They are not.
Training your parents - Lesson # 2
Lesson Two - Eating Patterns
It is vital not to let your parentals slip into any sort of comfort zone as far as your eating patterns go.
Your job is to keep them on their toes and on edge.
Any sort of stability and sense or routine or well being means that you are failing dismally in your duty.
Your job is to create uncertainty at every level.
Eating patterns are an easy area to accomplish this in.
The trick is to veer between extremes.
Week One
Eat and drink absolutely nothing.
Try not to poop as well.
Sleep fitfully, or better yet, not at all (this can be accomplished by napping secretly during the day)
Timing is everything.
After about five days the parentals will start arguing between themselves, stressed by the thought of you evaporating, or at least growing up looking like a twig.
By day seven they will have booked a doctors visit.
So you want to stop on day six, just before the doctors visit.
A doctors visit will result in foul tasting medication being added to your routine.
Time this well.
Week Two
Gouge yourself on everything.
Kill every bottle like you are chugging in a down-down competition
Devour every bit of food.
Snack on everything in sight.
Eat, swallow, vomit, poop, gobble, devour, dribble, regurgitate and basically make a pig of yourself.
This will lull them into a false sense of security.
It will really mess with their heads.
If you are lucky, one of the parents will tell the other "I told you so" - and that will set them off again.
Keep alternating the above.
Good luck with your training.
It is vital not to let your parentals slip into any sort of comfort zone as far as your eating patterns go.
Your job is to keep them on their toes and on edge.
Any sort of stability and sense or routine or well being means that you are failing dismally in your duty.
Your job is to create uncertainty at every level.
Eating patterns are an easy area to accomplish this in.
The trick is to veer between extremes.
Week One
Eat and drink absolutely nothing.
Try not to poop as well.
Sleep fitfully, or better yet, not at all (this can be accomplished by napping secretly during the day)
Timing is everything.
After about five days the parentals will start arguing between themselves, stressed by the thought of you evaporating, or at least growing up looking like a twig.
By day seven they will have booked a doctors visit.
So you want to stop on day six, just before the doctors visit.
A doctors visit will result in foul tasting medication being added to your routine.
Time this well.
Week Two
Gouge yourself on everything.
Kill every bottle like you are chugging in a down-down competition
Devour every bit of food.
Snack on everything in sight.
Eat, swallow, vomit, poop, gobble, devour, dribble, regurgitate and basically make a pig of yourself.
This will lull them into a false sense of security.
It will really mess with their heads.
If you are lucky, one of the parents will tell the other "I told you so" - and that will set them off again.
Keep alternating the above.
Good luck with your training.
Training your Parents - Lesson #1
Training your parents is admittedly not always that much of a challenge, but it is important to demonstrate who is in charge in even the small things.
Lesson One - Feeding Time
Getting whichever parent is feeding you to open their mouth idiotically with each spoonful.
These need to be stretched out to about the sixty second mark per spoonful to be considered at all successful.
Try and train them to make accompanying sounds as well.
"Aaahhhhhh, aahhhhhhhhhh, come on open up, aahhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhh" is a good one.
Also sounds of trains and planes seem rather easy to do as well.
"chooo chooo chooo" or "whaaaaaaammmm whaaaammmm"
If executed correctly you should have them looking like total imbeciles during feeding time, with their mouths opening and closing like guppies and making all sorts of idiotic noises.
If you find this too easy, aim to get both parents doing this at the same time.
This gets you double the enjoyment.
Remember. Your objective here is to train them to follow instructions.
So keep working at it.
Lesson One - Feeding Time
Getting whichever parent is feeding you to open their mouth idiotically with each spoonful.
These need to be stretched out to about the sixty second mark per spoonful to be considered at all successful.
Try and train them to make accompanying sounds as well.
"Aaahhhhhh, aahhhhhhhhhh, come on open up, aahhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhh" is a good one.
Also sounds of trains and planes seem rather easy to do as well.
"chooo chooo chooo" or "whaaaaaaammmm whaaaammmm"
If executed correctly you should have them looking like total imbeciles during feeding time, with their mouths opening and closing like guppies and making all sorts of idiotic noises.
If you find this too easy, aim to get both parents doing this at the same time.
This gets you double the enjoyment.
Remember. Your objective here is to train them to follow instructions.
So keep working at it.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Food your baby will hate
How, and why, in the hell did I end up with hippy parents.
The local supermarket shelves are filled with a vast assortment of all kids of delicious baby foods in glass jars.
These are seriously tasty meals.
I know adults who would arm wrestle babies for a taste.
They have tasty seasonings and salt and herbs and spices.
Everything my little heart could desire.
Except that is as close as I get. Desire.
Some smart arse gave the parentals a home baby food making kit as a gift.
All it is is a recipe book and several fancy looking ice trays.
Someone is making a killing in China with this one.
So now the female parental cooks all this wholesome and nutritious food.
Things like Butternut, and carrot, and sweet potato.
Fantastic if you are the Dalli Llama.
Not so fantastic if you are watching your siblings eat hamburgers.
Who gives crap like that to a new baby?
A couple of ice trays and instructions on how to cook.
All the recipes obviously say the same thing.
"Add water. Boil. Do not add salt. Do not add spices. Do not add seasoning. Do not mix flavours or ingredients. No, not even a hint of stock. Just boil. Then drain and blend into a textureless and tasteless mass. Then freeze into little bricks"
One day I am going to find out just who gave it to us as a gift. Then I am going to tie them to the front of the male parentals car and drive around like that for a week.
The local supermarket shelves are filled with a vast assortment of all kids of delicious baby foods in glass jars.
These are seriously tasty meals.
I know adults who would arm wrestle babies for a taste.
They have tasty seasonings and salt and herbs and spices.
Everything my little heart could desire.
Except that is as close as I get. Desire.
Some smart arse gave the parentals a home baby food making kit as a gift.
All it is is a recipe book and several fancy looking ice trays.
Someone is making a killing in China with this one.
So now the female parental cooks all this wholesome and nutritious food.
Things like Butternut, and carrot, and sweet potato.
Fantastic if you are the Dalli Llama.
Not so fantastic if you are watching your siblings eat hamburgers.
Who gives crap like that to a new baby?
A couple of ice trays and instructions on how to cook.
All the recipes obviously say the same thing.
"Add water. Boil. Do not add salt. Do not add spices. Do not add seasoning. Do not mix flavours or ingredients. No, not even a hint of stock. Just boil. Then drain and blend into a textureless and tasteless mass. Then freeze into little bricks"
One day I am going to find out just who gave it to us as a gift. Then I am going to tie them to the front of the male parentals car and drive around like that for a week.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
The Thunderbolt Kid is a carnivor.
I am so very proud of my transition to solids.
It's not steak, egg and chips - but it has the wonderful result of turning my poop all sorts of interesting green and purple and orange colours.
I am dying to get my teeth stuck into some meat.
My mouth salivates when I watch the parentals and siblings eating juicy meat.
I already abhor vegans and I have only just turned 6 months old.
It's not steak, egg and chips - but it has the wonderful result of turning my poop all sorts of interesting green and purple and orange colours.
I am dying to get my teeth stuck into some meat.
My mouth salivates when I watch the parentals and siblings eating juicy meat.
I already abhor vegans and I have only just turned 6 months old.
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