Its no use re-inventing the wheel, so here are seven standard techniques for training your parents at feeding time.
Feeding time is stressful for all parents.
You can make it more stressful by using any one of the following simple and proven techniques.
Technique 1 - The Lips
This is where you keep your lips pursed tightly every time the spoon gets close.
A very simple technique, but very effective.
You can part them slightly when the spoon is a safe distance.
In fact this even desirable as it fools them and raises their expectations into coming in for another spoonful.
Pursed lips work fantastically.
Lips are like rubber and with your toothless gums closed as back-up, nothing gets in.
They may as well paint the food all over your chin and cheeks.
In fact, sometimes to show that they have made an effort, they will.
Technique 2 - The Tongue
This is an adaptation and refinement of the "The Lips"
This time you let some food go into your mouth.
They think they have been successful getting past your lips and gums.
This will be very exciting for them.
All that you have done though, is form a third barrier with your tongue.
As soon as they move away, you push everything back out with your tongue.
It can break them pretty quickly.
Technique 3 - The Delayed Dribble
This is a refinement of The Tongue.
This time you keep the food in you mouth for longer though.
Long enough for them to be sure that it is swallowed.
They will sigh deeply and contentedly.
As they look away, foolishly satisfied, dribble it out.
All over your chin.
Technique 4 - The Turbo Blast
This one is always fun.
It works best in the morning when your parentals are dressed for work and under pressure to leave.
As the spoon goes into you mouth explode a lungful of air out at turbo speed.
This will create a miniature, but powerful explosion, covering everything within two meters in a sticky layer of second hand baby food.
Work clothes are usually ruined and necessitate a change.
Patience will be tested.
Technique 5 - The Epileptic Fit
Move wildly away from the spoon.
Pretend it contains melted lava.
Keep moving wildly away from the spoon.
Buck and twist and freak out.
Have a fit. Pretend it is red hot poker.
Explode your arms and legs out as well.
Sometimes you will be lucky enough to catch the spoon and splatter food all over the place.
Don't worry, even though they will really, really want to strangle you - they can't. Its illegal. You are as safe as house.
Technique 6 - The Distraction
This is to teach them never to give you anything as a distraction when you are feeding.
They normally give you a plastic spoon, or cup or a plastic toy.
This is meant to distract you into eating and swallowing.
You will not fall for this.
When the spoon is far away, open your mouth wide and put whatever they have given you into your mouth. Eating and chewing on it like there is no tomorrow.
Their spirits will soar. They will think they have solved everything.
As soon as the food comes close though, move into The Lips Technique # 1.
They will retreat, slightly bemused, this is when you go back to open mouth mode.
Tease them. Break them.
Then as soon as they come in, switch back to The Lips.
You can also use whatever they have given you to swat and swipe and slash and hit at the spoon of food.
This is also good for a few points.
Technique 7 - The Squirrel
Lastly, when you tire and want it all to end, allow them to have the satisfaction of getting half a dozen spoonfuls of food in.
Take it all in.
And store it.
Store it wherever you like - in your cheeks, under your tongue, wherever you can.
With practice you can even store some down your throat and bring it back up again.
Then, As they finish and are sighing with relief.
As soon as they have stopped sobbing and their tears have dried.
Let them take off your bib and wipe the table.
Let them unbuckle you from your chair.
And then. At that perfect moment.
Spit out everything you have stored.
Remember.
You are protected by law.
They are not.
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